Truth is Stranger than Fiction

I have a job in which I discover anew everyday that truth really is stranger than fiction.
I have a job which is slowly causing me to lose all faith in humanity and inching me further and further away from a liberal political position. I think that I spend one too many phone calls a day listening to people who are rude, free-loading, or just lack plain common sense. Contrary to popular belief---a doctor's note is NOT a fix all. The following are some REAL requests that I have received from patients during my short 3 month period working in Internal Medicine.

• I received a request for a doctor note to be written to the electricity company to keep her power from being turned off. When I inquired as to her medical conditions, she informed me that she had high blood pressure.
• Someone requested a note saying that she needed a bigger apartment because she couldn't walk very far without having to stop to catch her breath and she was having a friend move in with her.
  
• Another person requested that the doctor give him a note saying that it was medically necessary for him sit in first class on the airplane due a routine knee surgery that he had over 5 years ago (the doctor who did the knee surgery is not even the doctor he requested the note from).
  
• An older lady who lived out of town was commuting to her appointments. She requested (demanded, really) that we find her somewhere to live near the clinic. She included in her request price-ranges, preferences, and everything.
  
• Patients call in all the time needing notes to release them from work. This is completely acceptable when we have seen the patient in the clinic and we have treated them and have documentation of their illness. However, patients will often call in weeks after their reported illness requesting a note for a week off of work when they didn't even bother to call us that week or come into the clinic and be seen.
• One of these "work release" requests was especially interesting. There was a patient that we were seeing who was on some chronic pain medications for his back. His complaint was that a few mornings every month he just wouldn't wake up for work. In his words "his eyes just felt too heavy." When I questions him for further details, I found out that he had not set an alarm to wake up for work, and because he was up late the night before he had simply slept-in and was then blaming it on his pain medications. In an effort to help him, the doctor changed around his medications and instructed him to set an alarm. The same man later called back to ask us to write a note for him to give to his boss which would guarantee that he would never be late for work again. Sheesh!
• I had a request from a patient that she needed a note to be given to child protective services that she was sick which is why she didn't go to her drug addiction class. (She needed this note a few weeks after her reported illness, and she had never come in to the doctor). Scary.
  
• As you can imagine I also fill out hundreds of handicapped parking sticker forms, the majority of which are for people who have problems related to obesity.
• I got a call once from a lady who was standing in-line to board the airplane for her vacation who needed a note saying that her oxygen tank was a medical necessity. I understand why she needed this note, what I don't understand is why she waited until she was boarding the airplane to request it. I literally had to fax it to American airlines for her to get on the plane. I sure hope she wasn't a terrorist.
  
• I have received calls from patient with upcoming appointments demanding to know how we plan to get them to their appointment.
  
• I also deal with my fair share of drug seekers who have every excuse in the book of how they lost their medications. They fell into the sink, the car ran them over, they were in their purse which was stolen, they were in their pants pocket and put through the washing machine, someone broke into their house and stole them, the pharmacy made an error and gave them the wrong number of pills, they were confiscated at the airport. You get the picture. The funny thing is that in these scenarios it is only the pain medication that is missing, never the blood pressure or cholesterol medications, strange.
• And of course, let us not forget some of my favorite calls in which I speak with patients to triage them. I received a call from a woman my age who was very concerned because she had been burping all morning long. When I asked her what and when she had eaten last, she told me that she ate an entire pepperoni pizza at midnight and in an effort to ease her stomach she had drunken almost a liter of soda for breakfast.
• I also received a call from an elderly gentleman who was very concerned because there were bubbles in toilet after he urinated. He insisted on coming in for an appointment.
  

Aren't these stories great! I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried. It is a good thing that I have something to laugh about at work to help ease the stress of it all. Do you have any good stories from work which make you question the sanity of our society. Please share.